Whatever

Remember that song? From a few years back. Don't worry, be happy. I kind of feel like that's where I am for this moment in time. I am settled back in to a kind of complacency. I am constantly inspired by the world around me, interested in so many things. I am captivated by the endless creativity and enthusiasm I find in artists and crafters at shows, shops and on the web. There was a time when I spent all weekend visiting new places, exploring restaurants, seeing shows. It's fascinating to see how others build, design, display, covet, collect. Shopkeepers transform a loose amalgamation of yet more stuff into "curated" (big word these days) collections that speak about vision, commitment, beauty and joy. Artists explore material, media, matter; add passion, emotion; yield something new and wondrous. It's easy to treat the world like a theater...pay your dues, spend your money, take it all in. Simple. Not too much effort.

Back to Work

Wow it's been a busy bunch of days. Let me catch you up. Last week I got the news that I have a new job. Yay! That set off a whole chain of events on Thursday and Friday, from peeing in a cup to shopping again. I'll skip the details on the former (you're welcome) and expand on the latter. When you are looking for a job - especially when you are of a certain age - they tell you to network. In fact "they" tell you that only 10-15% of jobs are filled from internet/resume applications. The remainder are through personal connections. That's LIVE people, folks. With this information in hand, I began telling everyone I knew, from my cousins to my hair cutter, that I was looking for a job. Everyone promised to mention me to someone they knew but no one managed to convince me I would ever hear from that person.

I started to get nervous, as my mortgage payments inched closer to exceeding my bank balance, and decided to call a realtor to put my condo on the market. I chose her at random from the internet and we made an appointment for her to see the place. When she arrived we chatted for a few minutes and then I began the tour. Afterwards she sat down and blurted out "I'm not going to sell your place - I need to find you a job!" I was flabbergasted. She said "It's so obvious you love it here and that's my job as a realtor - to put {or keep} people in the house they want to live in." To make this long story a little less long - well, she gave me the name and email address of a friend of hers, after a few misfires I got an interview and ultimately they offered me the job!

Crazy, coincidental, unbelievable. ME! The person who is so solitary I prefer to go to the movies alone - I got a job through networking! So last week was spent filling out forms, getting drug tested (oh really!) and preparing a truly personal and heartfelt thank you gift for my new favorite realtor (thus the shopping). So I have another 2 weeks to tie up loose ends, finally tackle some projects around here, get some new clothes and get back to work.

5 Stages

I've been thinking about the 5 stages of grief. Identified by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross the 5 stages are commonly displayed by people facing their own, imminent death. The concept has become popularly associated with most any type of tragic or devastating occurrence. Not to make light of true tragedy, for I am acutely aware of how often we throw those kinds of words around, rendering their original intent nearly meaningless. In its own way this has been a devastating experience...being unemployed without the means to support myself, to pay my bills, to face retirement without a hope of normalcy. In the beginning I kind of wondered why - having acknowledged its seriousness - the situation was NOT freaking me out. Was it, in fact, denial - the first stage of grief? I think in some ways it was. I am still a little in denial, now hoping more than believing that I - unlike all the people I know in the same situation - I will find a job before the problem becomes serious. But the second half of stage 1 - isolation - WAS prominent. I was choosing not to see anyone or do anything when possible because it all seemed too frivolous. I felt I had to be conservative, workman-like in my day-to-day activity. Stage 1: check!

Stage 2, Anger. I don't know that I was angry. I didn't blame the company or anyone in it, I didn't rail against God and humanity. But then I realized, as time went by, I was beginning to become infuriated at the situation itself. How could I, a person who always played by the rules, who never took anything from anyone, who has done everything necessary to be a responsible self-supporting "good citizen," be in this situation? How unfair is it that the unscrupulous businessmen/bankers/brokers et al are getting handouts from the government to save them from themselves and I'm on my own. Stage 2: check!

Stage 3, Bargaining. I didn't exactly skip stage 3 but my bargaining was a little more subtle. I gave myself a month to be unemotional, proactive and hopeful. Well the month came and went with no change. I gave myself one more week because, after all, there were some hopeful signs. The week came and went. I gave myself another day and the day came and went. Stage 3: check!

Stage 4, Depression? Hmm, stage 4. Suffice it to say for the first time - there were tears. Stage 4: check!

And stage 5, Acceptance? I'm not sure. Yes I've accepted "it" for what it is. And this is really where the analogy falls apart. I can say I have accepted it but, unlike one in the throes of a real tragedy - I will go on. My acceptance is only of a revised way of life - not the end of one. That's what I need to hold onto. I need to get over myself - it's not a tragedy - it's a setback. I have started doing things again. I have days I feel positive about the changes to come. I will likely have to embrace a new way of living,. I will likely have to make some decisions that do not come easily to me. I am already a little taken aback at my lack of a decisive direction. Maybe - since this isn't about a tragedy of that magnitude - maybe the fifth stage in this process - of forced reinvention - is Action.

Choices

I was alternately laughing and crying the other day reading one of my favorite bloggers, "Thrifty Decor Chick". She was talking about her momentary distress over the financial state of her home (http://thriftydecorchick.blogspot.com/2011/03/why-were-not-moving.html). This emotion overcame her she says when:"We looked into refinancing our current mortgage into a 15-year. To do so, we had a realtor come out to the house to give us an idea of the value. The news was not good. When I say not good, I mean…not. good. We were expecting it to be bad, but not that bad." Well I have to admit to some of the same angst right about now. I am at a crossroads. Like my alter ego, "I’ve poured my blood, sweat and tears into this house because I love it, I enjoy it and it’s my passion. But I was hoping my improvements would help the bottom line a little bit too. At least right now, they don’t." Now, as I have eluded to, I have a significant reduction to my income pending and I have a choice to make. Do I stick with my beloved albatross of a home or do I instead invest in the future? This new venture that I have been working toward would give me a lot of the same satisfaction: planning, building, decorating, staging. But can I turn my back on what I've done here - incomplete, imperfect but so loved - to start anew? Had I managed to hang on a bit longer, had this economy cooperated just a little bit, I might have managed both. But alas that will not happen. Can I say goodbye to this my home, my canvas, my avocation, my friend?